Openness in Adoption: What Happens When Two Families Become One?

By Patience M. Lee, Ed. MS
Assistant Director

When we think open adoption, what comes to mind? For adoptive parents - it might be fear of birth parents having access to their identifying information; wanting to have ongoing contact; rejection; disappointment; possible intense intimacy to mention a few while on the other hand, for the birth parents - it might be the fear of rejection by the adoptive parents, the projected fear of loss forever with biological child, the fear of the unknown to mention just a few. Like any relationship openness in adoption is hard, complex and can yield rewarding and live changing results for all involved, especially the child.

During my doctoral research, I came across Severson a famous author, family therapist and activist who captured the heart of the issue in his 1994 article "Adoption Politics", where he notes:

A fresh start, a thousand new and otherwise impossible opportunities, generous love and nurture do not eliminate the loss. History is in us, it pluses in our heart. Genetics play through our lives in ways so subtle as to be impossible to map. We are our parents' children, then, the ones from whom we drew breath and life, so that our nature will always reflect the color of their eyes, the flash of their smile and the stride of their walk, so that we will always echo them in the rhythm of our heart and even in the patterns of our brains. The connections is inescapable. To deny this connection is to deny the conditions of our humanity, which means that any policy built upon this denial, no matter how subtly constructed, vigorously argued, or powerfully entrenched or even compassionately intended, will ultimately be inhumane. (pp.216-217)

The potential exists for an open adoption amongst the triad (i.e. adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents) to promote a healthy sense of self and identity for adoptees; spare birth parents some of the anguish caused by not knowing what kind of people adopted their children and adopt. However, relative data in any major studies are yet to be documented. In contrast,

It important for birth and adoptive parents to think about what their expectations are before embarking on this journey. Establishing healthy communicative boundaries is necessary and a MUST in order to achieve a well rounded and holistic relationship. It is true that it would be difficult to predict the future, however some questions that you might wish to consider whether as a birth or adoptive might be:

  1. Is open adoption for me(us)?
  2. Have I(we) read, had personal experience or know any person that has or is in an open adoption relationship?
  3. Am I(we) willing to asked for assistance if or when needed?
  4. What are the advantages and disadvantages of an open verses closed adoption?
  5. Do I(we) wish to meet the adoptive parents before the birth of the child? If so, how many times? Vice versa.
  6. How much contact do I(we) wish to have with birth or adoptive parents?
  7. Are exchanges of pictures and updates a part of the deal? And if so, how often and for how long?
Please note that this is not an exhaustive list, but may serve as a possible beginning point.

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