A Birth Parent's Journey

Aboard The ARC

By Kamra Scott, BS

Disclaimer: This is a fictional depiction of a birth parent's journey through the adoption process as seen through numerous sessions with wonderful, responsible parents.   This is Lynnette's story.

Lynnette is a 28-year-old mother of two residing in Philadelphia, Pa who is expecting her third child.  Lynnette has struggled with the idea of having another child since she discovered she was pregnant 6 months ago. The process of adoption for some women begins the moment she decides to contact someone regarding making an adoption plan.  For others, it can also begin the moment she discovers that she is pregnant.  The following are the steps Lynnette took to come to her decision - this is her journey through the process of adoption.

Lynnette wakes up now 24 weeks after her intuition told her to take a home pregnancy test.  Lynette thinks to herself.  It cannot be true.  I have to take another test.  But what if it is true.  I have to do something.  As she quickly paces around the room, her children knocking at her door, her thoughts begin to race.  I have options.  Parenting this child would be impossible.  I'm barely making ends meet trying to take care of the two children I have.  There has to be another option. Abortion- it seems to be the easiest way to handle this situation.  At the same time I don't think I can morally bring myself to do this.  Who can I call?  I do not feel comfortable telling my family or friends.  I could give the baby away.  Find the phone book.  Skimming through the pages:adoption, adoption, adoption.  Hmmmm, AAAA Adoption ARC, they seem as if they will provide counseling free to me and other resources.  The phone rests in the palm of her hand as she contemplates calling this agency.  2-1-5-7-4-8.  I can't, I'll call later.  Her children began to knock harder this time.  I'm going to call and I'm going to call now.  2-1-5-7-4-8-1-4-4-1.  It's ringing. 

Good Afternoon Adoption ARC.  How may I help you?  Hi.  My name is Lynnette and I want to put my baby up for adoption.  Have you had the baby or are you currently pregnant?  I am about 24 weeks pregnant.  Do you mind me asking what has brought you to consider adoption as an option?  I currently have two children who are 10 and 4 that I am raising on my own without any financial or emotional support.  Although I am currently working full time as a culinary artist I know that it will be so hard to continue to make ends meet.  I have so much going on that it would be almost impossible.  Plus the father is nowhere to be found nor do I know how to locate him.   It seems as if you have a lot to deal with at this time.  Once the intake process is complete the birthparent counselor goes on to explain the counseling process.  Well we can help you with your decision by exploring your options such as parenting the child, placing the child with a family member, temporary care through foster care, or a permanent plan through adoption.  We also provide pre- and post-adoption counseling.    If we could, I would like for us to meet so that we can further discuss your plans in person.  Yes that would be perfect. Whew! I'm glad I finally made the call.  I feel that they will be able to help me through this process. 

Weeks have passed and Lynnette is rapidly approaching her due date.  After several counseling sessions Lynnette has determined that a permanent plan through adoption would be best for her and her unborn child.  Lynnette participated in selecting the adoptive family who are a traditional, two-parent, Caucasian couple from The Netherlands.  Lynnette did not believe that she would be so open to an international family. There was something she liked about them that she could not put into words.  She would like to meet them and receive pictures of the child as he or she grows.  Lynnette will be signing consents to the adoption 72 hours after the child is born.  Every birthmother is allowed by law 30 days in which to revoke their consent to the adoption in writing for the return of their child.  After the 30-day period, the consent becomes final.   Termination of parental rights takes place once the birth certificate is received and the legal documents are filed in court.  After several discussions explaining the legal procedures under PA law Lynnette feels comfortable with that decision and does not feel that she will revoke her consent.  Although Lynnette is comfortable with the adoptive family she has chosen to select, she still has her doubts and fears about the family, how happy the child will be, and her decision overall.  It is difficult for Lynnette to verbally express herself to her counselor.  Lynnette shows outward signs of confidence and self-assurance, but on the inside Lynnette struggles with a lot of emotions that are hard to explain.     

How are you today Lynnette?  She thinks to herself.  I was having a hard time last night.  I am getting nervous because my due date is right around the corner.  She verbally states.  I'm fine.  Have you thought more about your adoption plan?  Not really.  I think this plan is the best plan for me.  Well, over time you can express any feelings that you have as we proceed and after placement.   Okay that will be fine.  Have you begun to think about how you will feel after placement?  I can't put myself in that place because it has not happened yet.  Well how have you dealt with separations or losses in the past?  I tend to keep to myself and not talk about anything.  Eventually I get over it.  The wonderful thing for you is that you will not have to keep everything to yourself.  I will be someone you can talk to about your experience.  Together we will work through this process.  I cannot force you to talk to me but I would encourage you to do so.  Okay I'll keep that in mind and try to discuss it with you.        

Days later... 

Hi this is Lynnette.  I had the baby last night.  How are you doing?  I'm okay.  Was your labor and delivery difficult?  It was not that long.  The baby came right out.  Did you have a boy or a girl?  I had a girl.  Have you seen her?  I had her in the room with me for a while, but I sent her back to the nursery.  Have you given her a name?  No.  I want to let the family name her.   How are you doing now that she has been born?  I'm okay.  I thought it would be easier than it has been.  I don't know if I can give her away.  I'm trying to separate myself from her, but I don't know if I can.  Remember, you are not giving her away.  You are giving her an opportunity to grow, as you would want her to.  Furthermore, you have to remember your reasons for contacting Adoption ARC originally.  Yeah I do.  My situation has not changed.  I want her to have a better life than I can give her right now.  I want her to be with a family that can provide for her a home, security, and love.  At the same time I feel like no one can love her the way I can.  That is understandable.  You will always be her mother and love her because she is your child.  Additionally, you have selected a wonderful family to provide her with all of the things you want her to have.  Yes, I do love her more than anything.  I hope she will be happy.

The following day. It is now time for mom and baby to be discharged from the hospital.  

Good morning.  How are you feeling? Hi. I think I am ready to go.  Would you like to leave with the baby and I or would you rather leave before we leave today.  I thought about it and I think I would want to say my goodbyes and leave first.  Actually it will not be goodbye.  It will be more like "see you later" because you will be able to see how she is doing as she grows.  I was actually thinking about that as well.  I don't know how ready I am to receive pictures or meet the family.  You do not have to do anything you are not comfortable with.  You can always request picture and letter updates at a later date when you are ready for them.   I did want to write her a letter so that I can explain to her my reasons for placing her for adoption so that when she gets older she will understand.  I think that would be a good idea.   Do you think I can get her a gift before she leaves with the adoptive family?  You certainly can.  I know she will appreciate a gift from you now and when she is older.  I hope I am doing the right thing.  Do you feel that in your heart that you are doing the right thing for her?  I do.  That is the only thing that is helping me to be okay with this plan.          

Although Lynnette and the baby were discharged from the hospital the process does not end there.  The next day, 3 days after birth, Lynette must sign a consent to the adoption.  These consents allow for the termination of her parental rights.  Lynnette also has an additional process to go through now that the child is placed and her consents are signed.  She must now begin to put the pieces of her life back together.  Lynnette like many other women went through a period of self-doubt, shame, guilt, and even heartache.  With the help of her counselor and friends that she has opened up to Lynnette is now back to working after her 6-week maternity leave and feels the best she has ever felt about her decision to place her child.  Lynnette was able to meet the family before they went home and now has a great relationship with them and plans to have the same with her daughter. 

Lynnette's story is a combination of the experiences of an array of women that Adoption ARC has worked with through their adoption journeys.   I hope you enjoyed getting to know our birthmothers.  

 

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