A Few Words From A Birth Mother
By Shonna MarieHello, everyone! It's me... Shonna Marie. I am a birth mother who placed through Adoption ARC more than two and a half years ago. If you remember, I placed my daughter, Katie Marie, at birth, selected the adoptive family, and have an ongoing open relationship with them. I also have another child, who is four and half years old and lives with me. I am now twenty-five years old. how time flies!
Well, it's that time of year again - newsletter time! I have a lot of updating to do, as always. Let's do a real quick recap. In my last article (2001), I wrote about being a guest on the Ricki Lake show, how I enrolled in college, and why I placed my baby. At first, when I began writing this article, I wrote that nothing much had changed. However, on second thought, I realized just how much has changed in a very positive way. I am still in school and my son is doing fine. I just got a new job. I'm still at the hospital but in a different department. I'll be working in the Department of Radiology, scheduling MRI and CAT scan appointments. However, this job is very different from all of my past jobs because this is my first salaried position with medical benefits and tuition reimbursement. I start this Monday, February 17, 2003. I am excited for this new opportunity, but I am reminded that it did not come to me easily. In my last job, I did not have medical benefits and paying for doctor's appointments out of pocket was getting expensive, so I decided to look for another job that offered medical benefits. I applied for a couple of different jobs and nothing happened (but I never once gave up!). I interviewed with this job twice before getting an offer. I almost gave up, but something always kept me going. I always felt that if one door closes, another one will open up, and it did.
Now this is where it gets good - well, better. I'm going to tell you readers about my last meeting with my baby in the summer. It all started with a phone call from Tara (funny how it always starts that way!) telling me that the adoptive parents of my baby were coming for a visit and they wanted to know if we could meet some place (are you kidding me?... sure, I would love to!) We met at the mall - my favorite place. Once at the mall, the kids could not get enough of each other. They were running around playing and, believe it or not, they did a little shopping. However, the thing that made this visit one to remember was that the kids got their pictures taken together. Needless to say, the pictures were very nice, which brings me to the topic of my article.
Everyone has his/her own way of doing things in adoption. However, I would strongly recommend an open adoption, meaning contact between the birth parents and adoptive parents on a regular basis (it can be through pictures and letters, phone conversations through the agency, or an occasional meeting). For me, it does my heart and mind some good because I can see how well my baby is doing (by the way, she is happy, healthy and beautiful!). I can also see that I made the right choice for myself and the baby, knowing that the adoptive parents can provide all the things for her that I want her to have
I just want to say one thing to the adoptive parents to put you all at ease. When we (the birth parents) make the call to the ladies at ARC for photos or an update, we mean no harm. We just want to know how the baby is doing, and getting the pictures or updates is important to us because, I guess you could say that it gives us a sense of well being. Without us (the birth parents), the baby would not be here - so really, we play just as an important part of the baby's life as the adoptive parents. This is how I see it. I think of us (birth parents and adoptive parents) as a team, and there is no "I" in the word "team", just as there is no "I" in the word "parents". Our baby will be an individual with love and genetics from us (the birth parents), as well as love and environment from you (the adoptive parents). Please understand that by placing our babies, we did not throw them away. We are not careless or cold - no, in fact, we are ultra-caring and ultra-sensitive, as we look at our young babies' faces and know that we must say goodbye in order to give them what we think is the best. I consider my daughter's adoptive family as my own distant family and have love for them, and feel loved by them. I know that this will make my daughter's knowledge about her adoption much easier, because there is no secrecy, no hiding, no shame - just love. The same goes for my son who knew from the first day of the adoption what was going on. No, he did not understand at first, because he was just a toddler. But now that he is getting older, he understands that he has a sister. He tells anyone that will listen to him - "I have a sister and her name is Katie Marie, who doesn't live with us." If we were to have company over, he would say, "Look at my sister, her name is Katie Marie." He says that she's still his sister even though she has a different mommy and daddy than he has. When he looks at the pictures the adoptive family sends me, he always says, "This is my sister" (I don't coach him into saying that). If he sees a picture of Katie Marie's adoptive family, he is able to point out her mommy, daddy, grandmother, etc. He could pretty much name everyone in the picture, because I told him what was going on from day one, and he's comfortable with it. He's probably still trying to understand the whole thing, but for the time being, he has a pretty good idea about what's going on. In closing this article, I hope that it was good reading for everyone, and I hope that I may have encouraged both sets of parents (birth and adoptive) to be honest with the child or children (it does not matter if you're the birth or adoptive parent). They (the children) have a right to know their history and the truth. Many times, they already know more than we think they do anyway.
So, until the next article, goodbye and good luck!