It's All About the Connections
By Grace H. Loyd, MSW, LSWWhen talking about adoption, it is essential to acknowledge that each member of the adoption triad - birthparents, adoptive parents, and the child - is interrelated and interdependent. Thus, it is important to keep strong the connections between all the members. One effective way to do this is through open adoption. What exactly is open adoption, you may ask? According to Brenda Romanchik, a birthmother who is involved in a fully open adoption herself and is the founder of Insight: Open Adoption Resources and Support (www.r2press.com), a truly open adoption is one in which "the adopted child has the potential of developing a one-on-one relationship with his or her birth family." Before being able to understand and embrace the benefits of open adoption, I realize it is important to first explore the fears surrounding open adoption and dispel any myths related to open adoption.
(The following was adapted from the website: www.openadopt.com, "Fears and Facts about Open Adoption" link)
FEAR #1: Having contact with the birth family will be an intrusion on my family. FACT #1: In a recent survey conducted by Open Adoption & Family Services (results were compiled from a 49% response rate), families that had regular contact with the birth family reported a higher level of satisfaction with their adoptions.
FEAR #2: Ongoing contact will only benefit the birthmother. FACT #2: A national study (Grotevant & McRoy, 1998) found that adoptive parents benefit most in open adoptions because they feel more in control of the birthparents' involvement than adoptive parents in closed adoptions.
FEAR #3: I'm afraid the birthmother will try to undermine my relationship with my child. FACT #3: In an open adoption, the birthmother's role is to support the adoptive parents as the child's parents. The birthmother does not compete with the adoptive parents.
FEAR #4: I am afraid open adoption will be confusing for my child. FACT #4: We have learned from closed adoption that secrecy confuses children. Children benefit from access to open, honest information. In an open adoption, the roles of the adoptive parents and the birthparents are separate and clearly defined.
With the recent trend in adoptions moving from the historical closed model shrouded in secrecy and shame towards a new model based on trust and honesty, people have had more questions about the benefits of open adoption to the triad members. The findings of current research on open vs. closed adoptions from the past 10 years, however, lend strong support for the practice of open adoption.
BENEFITS TO THE CHILD: In a truly open adoption, the adopted child has the opportunity to develop a one-on-one relationship with his/her birth family (ie. birthparents, grandparents, siblings). For some adoptive parents, the idea of their child having an ongoing connection with their birth family may invoke fear and anxiety, but again, studies have found that this relationship can prove to be invaluable to the child. According to a five-year study of over 500 triad members conducted by Dr. McRoy, children of open adoptions have a more positive image of their birthmother, which in turn, helps them to develop higher self-esteem and a healthier image of themselves. Children of open adoption can better understand how their birthparents cared for them in making an adoption plan because they were unable to provide for them. This knowledge can help to negate the development of feeling unwanted or ashamed, which commonly occurs among adopted children. In the California Longitudinal Study on Adoption (an ongoing study of 1300 people started in 1988), Dr. Marianne Berry found that children of open adoptions are reported to have fewer behavioral problems than children of closed adoptions. It is well known that adopted children often grow to have questions about their background and history of origin. In open adoption, the children have access to honest information and can go directly to the source (ie. their birth family) with their questions, and if needed, for additional support. BENEFITS TO THE BIRTHPARENTS: In open adoption, the birthparents are able to see for themselves that the child is happy and thriving with the adoptive parents. This helps them to gain a sense of assurance that they had made the right decision for the child and for themselves, and they can feel more at peace with the adoption.
BENEFITS TO THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS: If the adoptive parents know that the birthparents support the adoption, they are less fearful of birthparents and ultimately feel more secure about the adoption. According to Dr. Ruth McRoy of the University of Texas in Austin (1994), adoptive parents in fully open adoptions "demonstrate higher degrees of empathy about adoption, talk about it more openly with their children, and are less fearful that the birthmother might try to reclaim her child than are parents in [closed] adoptions." Adoptive parents involved with open adoptions also develop a greater sense of permanence in their relationship with their adopted child. Specific to transracial adoption, open adoption allows the adoptive parents to know the child better by knowing the birthparents, as they can gain in their own knowledge and can give their child a greater understanding of his/her racial/ cultural heritage.
In my research on open adoption, I came upon a website link to a most insightful resource: the Adoptees Internet Mailing List (http://www.webreflection.com/aiml/iwish.html). I read through countless journal entries written by adoptees, adoptive parents, and birthparents on things adoptees wish their adoptive parents knew. I soon came across a journal entry by a birthmom whose story deeply touched my heart as she shared so vulnerably about the inner turmoil she experienced in placing her children as well as the joys she has found in open adoption. I trust that as you read her story, your hearts will be stirred as well....
"I am a birth mother twice! I have a beautiful little girl who will turn 13 in September of this year - and a precious baby boy who will be 3 in September of this year. Both adoptions were open. I wrote back and forth to the adoptive mom of my daughter through the entire pregnancy. After the birth of my daughter, the adoptive parents got scared that I would try to take her away from them, and cut off all contact. That was very painful because I had given her to them because I love her SO much - I wanted her to have a life I wasn't able to offer her. When she was eight years old, I finally wrote to the adoptive parents through a mutual friend. I had just seen the "Baby Jessica" thing on television, and had ended up crying in the fetal position because the child being torn from her adoptive parents arms was so vivid and so awful. I assured them that nothing could ever make me want to take my daughter from them. I would love to know her at some point when she's old enough. I have never loved anyone more than I love her. I didn't know how to describe it at the time - but I was completely overwhelmed with love for her and while I was carrying her - I didn't know the slightest thing about her. I didn't even know if she was a boy or a girl - I just knew I adored her with every fiber of my being. After sending the letter - I received a picture of her (finally) and a wonderful letter from the adoptive mom giving me a "window into her world." She described her personality and thanked me for the gift to their family. My daughter actually sent me a birthday present a few years ago. It's still not a completely open relationship - because she is very young - but I know they're raising her to know how special she is to be adopted - to have two moms who love her - one that loved her so much she gave her to a family who could care for her, and one that opened her heart and her home to take her in. My son lives near me - and the adoptive dad was actually my counselor when I was weeping over the loss of my daughter - so when I got pregnant, I asked if they would want my child. They stay in touch with me very regularly and want me to be a part of his growing up because they know about the pain I went through during the eight years that I wasn't able to get any word about her. They had tried for twelve years to have a child of their own, and had lost several pregnancies. When they knew they were going to be able to adopt mine, they became pregnant and it worked! They now have a family of two sons - four months apart. I get to see my son from time to time - and when I call their home, I hear him in the background singing my name. He loves to say my name - and it's the most precious thing I've ever heard in my life. Several of my friends are adopted and when they originally found out that I was a birth mom - the first thing they always ask me is if I loved my children - and why would I give them away if I loved them. I know they're thinking their moms just got rid of them, and they have this ache over being abandoned somehow. To anyone who's adopted - please know that it's the most difficult, selfless thing to carry a child - feel that baby moving inside you - feel the little kicks - feel love for your child swell up in you until it's completely overwhelming - then give birth (not a small accomplishment) - and then place your baby in the arms of someone who can provide for them better than you can - and leave the hospital with nothing. A birth mother simply couldn't go through all of that without enormous love. I hope that encourages those out there searching for their birth mom - I know every situation is different, and I know I can only speak for myself - but I can't imagine a love that is larger than wanting the absolute best for your child, and realizing that maybe what is best is more than you're capable of providing."
As you continue on in your adoption journey, you will find that maintaining connections in an open adoption is not nor may it ever be easy, but in the end, your child will thank you for doing so.
For the adoptive parents out there, if you had the opportunity to meet the birthparent(s) of your child, we want you to know about a special project with which we are involved. We would like to hear from you what your open meeting experience was like for you. From your survey responses, we plan to develop a brochure or pamphlet on open meetings that will dispel any fears adoptive parents may have in meeting the birth family and allow everyone to have the most positive experience possible. If you are interested in participating in our survey, please contact us at the office.